Bullies

   I am ashamed to be a man some days. Most of the time I am not but every so often I have to admit, in the face of what I see happening in the world these days, that men are not a subset of humanity I am proud to be a member of.
   I have felt this way for a long time. I suppose the seeds of this were sown early on in a youth that was frequented by bullies and the macho posturing of adolescence. It is not that I was constantly being terrorized by them but bullies, like rogue elephants, are out there cutting their wide swaths and it is essentially impossible to avoid having to interact with them at some point.
   What grated on me was the power they had. They had the power to break things I held dear, they had the power to chase me down, the power to make me say things I did not believe, the power to change my way home. They had the power to humiliate me and my friends right in front of ourselves.
   In retrospect, we gave them more power than was warranted, obviously. As an adult, it is now a little easier to see bullies for what they were--as kids who simply were doing their best to cope with generally difficult, and, at worst, horrific conditions at home. However, when you are flat on your back, hands pinned, and the only thing that will end your torment is when the bully sees you cry it is difficult to imagine then that there are areas in his life that are horrible and over which he has no control, either.
   At a staff meeting the other day, there was a presentation on domestic violence. It was very informative, with stats showing its prevalence and results and who the main perpetrators are. It also centred on a recent case in southwestern Ontario in which a woman, Sandra Schott, who'd been domestically abused by her husband over a long period was then murdered by him. A short video was shown in which the woman's friends and family talked about all the warning signs they'd missed, while watching this relationship unfold, tragically.
   The presenter went over the list of typical warning signs. As I sat there and listened to them it was difficult not to think of a personal friend who seems to be on a similar path with an abuser in her household. In this particular case, it is not the typical spousal abuse situation but the perpetrator seems, in fact, to have usurped the spouse's role. He engages in most of the behaviours listed as being typical of abusers--slapping and grabbing and hitting, secrecy, control of the woman's ability to communicate with supportive friends, creating situations wherein she is forced to tend to his agenda, forcible confinement, verbal abuse and presenting himself as happy-go-lucky and engaging to the outside world.
   This friend of ours lives in fear of physical harm from this man and has found it necessary to adopt measures to minimize the risk to herself when she is alone with him. Counselors and friends have urged her to get the police involved. Her emotional attachment to this man makes this nearly impossible. Barring police involvement, there is very little natural consequence for him and he seems to be aware of this. It is difficult to not see this whole situation escalating to even more dangerous levels.
    One of the things that makes it difficult for us as observers is that this woman is very perceptive and intelligent. She has also been connected to a system that understands the dynamic in this case and is willing to help. She seems to have opted out, however, in many ways. Her friends are more concerned for her than I think she knows.
   It is very difficult to maintain the status quo with this man. As another man myself, it infuriates me to either watch or hear about him engaging in some of these abusive behaviours. The sense is, though, that if we don't "rock the boat" it will go easier for this woman when she is alone with him again.
   Here is part of the problem; my gut feeling is that I would like to take this man by the scruff of the neck, pin him up against a wall and get in his face like no-one has ever done before. But what would that be, apart from a frustrated man wanting to relieve his frustration in a violent, coercive way? Me, a man, doing the very thing I find so repulsive in other men!
   So, as I stated at the beginning, I am sometimes ashamed to be a man. I am also sometimes fiercely proud to be one.
    I remember sitting in a hockey dressing room with one of my kids many years ago. It was after a game, the kids were getting changed and groups of players and their parents were filtering out and going home. There was a single mother in the dressing room whose abusive ex-husband had been at the game. It was clear that she was terrified of him and it was also clear that she was beginning to panic at the prospect of being suddenly alone in a dressing room with him out there somewhere, loitering around. It got to the point where it was only her and me left in the room with our kids and she was beside herself at this point. Even though my son and I were ready to leave, I told her I would stay until she was ready to leave as well. The relief on her face spoke volumes. Me, I was feeling quietly heroic.
   But there was another angle on this. The abusive ex, who apparently was under some kind of court order to stay away from this woman, was also a man with a hockey background who had been recruited by the team to assist with some of the coaching! At the time, it seemed as though the male hierarchy on the team conveniently ignored the spouse-abuse issue. So, though I was quietly heroic, I could have been justifiably heroic and raised a stink. But I didn't. And I don't think that a lot of men do, when faced with similar situations. I am ashamed, not that I did nothing in that hockey dressing room, but that I didn't do more.
   Not all the male staff who viewed this domestic violence presentation felt comfortable with its tone and some of the stats being spouted. I gather that the feeling was that it was very slanted and anti-men. As a man, sitting there and viewing the presentation, it was somewhat uncomfortable, on different levels. Statistics generally don't lie, however. The lady presenter did say that not all the perpetrators of domestic violence are men. It's just that the stats clearly present men as being at fault in the vast majority of cases.
   As a man, this seems like a safe world to live in, for the most part. In my late fifties and still fairly active I figure that I would be totally defenceless against about 5 per cent of the adult population, should I be physically attacked. Against the rest, I would lose a lot of fights but hurt a lot of guys going down.
   This is not the same for women, obviously. I'm just pulling a stat out of the air but I'm guessing that any one woman would be defenceless, more or less, against half the adult population.
   Thankfully, I don't think many of us run our lives based on stats such as these (as unscientific as they were) but we also need, as men, to understand the underlying effect of this. In a world that may be set up to be legally, morally and ethically equal for both sexes it needs to be remembered that physically there will never be the accompanying equality. When it comes right down to it, women will be at risk.
   How much at risk they will continue to be hinges on our ability to recognize the warning signs of domestic abuse. Having recognized the signs, it is then contingent upon us to state our concerns and be supportive.
   We must also arrive at a place where we feel we can openly contest misogyny and bullying in all its forms, whether in the form of domestic violence, workplace abuse, sports violence,  schoolyard confrontations or in all other areas of our daily lives. This will never be easy, especially not the first time you need to do it. The value of it, though, is immeasurable. And the second time it will be easier.

   Bullies and abusers thrive on elusiveness and anonymity. Part of the task at hand is to strip that away from them. At the same time, it is fair to acknowledge that they became this way as part of a process. This process needs to be understood as well. It needs to be traced back to its beginnings, analyzed, and understood as much as possible. We then need to do our utmost to ensure that we recognize this in our (and all) children, from the earliest moments possible, in order to minimize its future effects on them. And the people in their lives.