Father's Day

Dad, my sons Bryant and Ben, and myself .

   It is Father's Day today and this will mark the first time in 59 years that I have not had a father to celebrate this with, at least in corporeal form. The fact that he, in one form or another, may be present with us that day and observant of the proceedings has not eluded me, though.
   Naturally, it's a bit of a strange feeling, not having him around to get together with this year. I didn't need to spend any time buying him something, I didn't need to make sure he got the day and time correctly to show up here and I didn't have to worry about whether he'd be able to find the place okay and then find his way back home. I would have been happy to have had to worry about all these things at least a few more years but now I just don't need to anymore. So this is different.
   When I haven't been busy trying to keep on top of all the paper-worky types of things around finalizing his estate I sometimes find myself thinking about the legacy the man left behind.
   His passing afforded me the opportunity to speak with friends, colleagues and associates of his I hadn't spoken to in years. I received messages from people who'd known my Dad who I personally had never even met. To a person, they only had glowing things to say about the man. They talked about his sense of humour, his honesty, his desire to do things the "right way" and his ease around young people. All in all, not a bad legacy.
   It leaves me wondering as to my ability to live up to my Dad's standards. Not that I'm planning on leaving this earth any time soon but, when I do, will there be only good things said about me? Hard to say.

Bryant and I

   I am rife with imperfection, as most men and fathers are. This is not always bad, I don't think too many kids want a perfect father. A perfect father sets up a set of expectations that are difficult to live with. I don't think this is anything I need to worry about.
   In all his imperfection, the only thing a father wants to do is somehow keep his family safe, supported and happy. About seven years ago, however, I took it upon myself to undo all of that, in one fell swoop.
   I found myself in an unsustainable situation whereby I realized I was in love with someone who wasn't my wife. Faced with a choice between a woman I loved and a woman who had been my best friend and the mother of my kids for a quarter of a century I picked the woman I loved.

Ben and I

   Good fathers do not go out of their way to do what feels like destroying their family and this is what I felt I had done. In my mind, I knew that time might heal. In my heart, I wasn't sure this would ever happen.
   At this point in time, almost seven years later, I think a lot of healing has gone on. In spite of this, though, I have this spot in my soul that is irreparable. And, regardless of whatever healing there is still to be, I will always be able to look back to what happened seven years ago and have doubts about my role as a father.
   Your ability to be a good father, however, is also powered in part by the range of your experience and what you have learned from it. For better or worse, I have the experience from seven years ago to draw upon. I learned a lot about my relationships with the people in my life and I learned a lot about myself as well. Just as importantly, I learned a lot about my sons and what kinds of men they are. Through all their pain and anger they did what you would hope they would do--they supported their mother and they supported each other. They also showed the ability to reconstruct a relationship with me and, then, with my new wife, Doralyn. I doubt they really know just how proud of them I am and thankful at the same time. Though neither of them is a father himself yet, I have no doubt their children will find themselves just where they need to be--nurtured, cared-for and very well-loved.