Putting the "fun" back in Dysfunctional

  I am from a dysfunctional family. And I say that insofar as my mother suffered from deep and troubling psychiatric issues and the three men in the family could very easily be described as "distant", in a variety of different ways.

"Portrait of a Dysfunctional Family"-Jerry Kirk

   Somehow or other, though, I grew up happy. I suppose that there were reasons why I very easily could have grown up otherwise and, yet, I didn't. When I stop to think about it, it very well could be that, through all the "dysfunction", I never got the feeling I wasn't loved. This sounds too simplistic, I'm sure. I am also pretty sure, though, that it is dead-on. Some crappy things happened all around me but I never was  given the feeling that I was the cause or root of them so I did not take that on.
   We all have needs. They start out pretty simply-- feed and hug me. They get a lot more complex (or do they?) as you get older. If they get met in the right way at the right time you make it through just fine. At some point, you then realize that you have the power to meet (or deny) other people's needs. And then it gets trickier! It's very tempting and easy to sacrifice one set of needs over another. As I was pondering the next sentence, our cat, Squeaker, came up to where I was sitting and made it very clear the her need at that time was to be picked up and cuddled for awhile. I then balanced my need to be writing against her need for attention and picked her up. Couple of minutes later and she was off again, I'm back to writing and both our needs were met, in a very satisfying way to both of us. Way too simple!! Unfortunately, there are humans out there who need tending to, as well!
   So, in spite of all the dysfunction, I think I got my fill of "feed and hug me" as I was growing up. It got a little more difficult as I became a teenager and got to the stage of realizing I might have any power or control over another person's needs. I then struggled with trying to decide what I had some control of and what was way beyond anything I was able to change. This is what happened with my mother, about the same time I became the tiniest bit cognizant of what she was dealing with, she was gone. Through everything, she had met my needs. About the same time I began to figure out what hers were, there was no time left to do anything about it.
   Or was that my job? And could it even have been done? I'm not sure that "yes" is the answer to either of those questions.


   So...my family was dysfunctional. And I'm still happy. My dad would likely tell you that he is happy. My brother, I suspect, would do the same. Maybe I'll ask them and let you know!
   In retrospect, are there any "functional" families out there? Is there a definition for "functional". If the kids in a family all end up more or less happy, does that make it "functional"? Or do you go by how their kids end up? There are some compelling reasons why my family might have been called dysfunctional. My wife, Doralyn, has some compelling reasons for saying the same thing about her family. It is, obviously, not hard to look at any family and find elements of dysfunction. At times, the surface doesn't need to be scratched all that deeply.
   Yesterday, we attended my in-law's family Christmas get-together. A big family gathering with all the attendant familial tensions and concerns (Jesus Christ, why is your birthday such a stresser?!) and, basically, we all had a wonderful time! We all have our traits, quirks and tendencies but what I observed and took part in was a family that was joyful! And I have been around them enough to know that this does not only happen at Christmas. What I do know is that all members of the family have the ability to transfer happiness, from the very largest to the very smallest. And not only do they have the ability, they also have the willingness.  
   So I offer this definition of a "functional" family; it is a family whose members have the ability and willingness to transfer happiness.

The Cleavers

   You're right, way too simple-sounding! Does it take what you're sure is a "dysfunctional" family and make it "functional" again? Maybe, maybe not. Take a look around and apply it. See what happens.