Jokes I Made Up

   Okay, if you're not a fan of "groaners" then please feel free to quickly exit this blog and spare yourself the pain!
   Anyone who knows me really well also knows that puns are one of my favourite forms of humour (sad to say) and I relish it whenever I hear a new one or am capable of coming up with one on my own.

But not where I work...

   Most of them I've forgotten (thank God!) but today I will offer (offal) up a few of the ones that popped right out of my own head (okay, last chance to switch back to your e-mails, Facebook or internet porn, whatever it was you were doing before you made the mistake of starting to read this blog...)

    Benjamin and Penelope Smith were newlyweds, and they were very much in love. They were so in love that they could hardly stand to be apart from each other. Because of this, Penelope would join her husband in the bathroom every morning, completely enraptured by his manly morning routines. Her favourite part of his morning routine was watching him shave. She was so enamoured of him that she would wear her flimsiest negligee, and entwine herself around him as he shaved. Unfortunately, Benjamin had a very old electric shaver with a badly frayed cord. One morning, as she was wrapped around her new husband, her negligee touched the frayed cord, burst into flames and burned her badly. The moral of the story: "A Benny shaved is a Penny burned!"

   Okay, I guess that was a little dark, wasn't it? Well, if you don't like "dark" then just skip the next one, please!

   Q: Why was Jackie Kennedy so upset in Dallas?

   A: Apparently her husband gave her a real piece of his mind!

   There you go, two dark ones in a row. Not sure why my mind gravitates that way, but now that I think of it there's probably blog material there...
   The next one is longer and not nearly as dark. But just as stupid.

   Many, many years ago there was a a small village just north of London on Highway 4 called Larva. It was called Larva because back when settlers first arrived there were numerous and yearly infestations of caterpillars. At the time, and being a small rural area, the name seemed to make sense.
   As the village became bigger over the years and more populated, with businesses, the name slowly began to take on a more negative connotation. Finally, the people of Larva got together to try and decide what they could do to possibly change the name enough make it more positive-sounding but still retain its identity and sound. What they came up with was the simple idea of dropping the "L" from the front of the name.
   The necessary town vote was taken, the paperwork was completed and, finally, "Larva" became "Arva". This worked magnificently! With the name changed, people were more easily attracted to the village and new businesses sprouted up. The village folk rejoiced at this. In their happiness, they decided to make a yearly celebration of the change, during the Christmas season. Every year they decorated the village festively and all the people would gather around the new name sign for the village. The faces of the villagers would all be merrily lit up by the candles they all held as they sang, in unison, one special Christmas carol.
   The name of this carol...?

 'The First No "L"!'

   Ooh, that really was bad! Next are a couple that I inflicted on my Facebook friends earlier on this year. For those of you who were lucky enough to miss them the first time!

   Q: What do you call a bunch of crazed photographers who harass sailors?

   A: Popeyerazzi.

   Q: What colour do they paint infrastructure?

   A: Infra-red.

   Finally (you're welcome), here's the bedtime one I came up with last night, which kinda got me started thinking about this whole stupid joke thing in the first place.

   I was headed off to orchestra rehearsal until I found out it was band.

   Okay, I'm done, you can thank me later! Cheers!