I was sitting on a bench outside when one of the salesmen walked by with a couple of what looked like potential customers. The salesman had a friendly hi, how's it goin' but one of the customers he was with took the time to give me a second and somewhat (to me) disapproving glance, as if I was perhaps sitting somewhere I shouldn't have been. At this point, I mouthed something at him.
Now, my lips barely moved and I'm sure the man heard nothing. I suspect that if you had been sitting on the bench right beside me you likely would have heard nothing as well. I, however, actually heard the words I mouthed reverberate softly through my head as I spoke them.
They were... fuck off.
I was somewhat shocked and/or bemused at the fact that something which seemed much more like an angry thought in my head had actually been verbalized out loud toward another (likely innocent) person. I had been a hair away from cursing out a total stranger out loud, for no real reason. I hadn't been in a bad mood, in fact I was actually feeling quite happy. It was a beautiful day and I was sitting there waiting for my beautiful wife to shortly arrive. In the middle of all this, a man I don't even know looks at me twice and I hurl (quietly) invective at him.
This is not the first time something like this has happened. As I've aged, my impulse control mechanism seems to have become a little tattered and frayed around the edges. It's almost as if I've had sixty years of peoples' crap to put up with and I no longer feel the need to be polite about it. I've had that many years to watch the reactions I get to things I say and maybe I just don't care anymore.
In all honesty, though, I don't get this way just when I'm angry. I've never really been one to talk to total strangers about anything in particular but lately I've been much more prone to striking up conversations with people I don't even know about whatever seems to be going on around us. It has occurred to me that sometime other people have interesting viewpoints or things to say but, unless you engage them, these things remain hidden. In the past, I always felt there was a possibility I was going to be judged somehow if I opened my mouth to speak and so I didn't. Nowadays, I don't give a damn.
Last night, Doralyn and I were standing in a movie theatre lobby, waiting to go in. We were the first people there and eventually the lobby filled up with people behind us. At one point, I turned around and looked at the crowd and told Doralyn that I had a strong desire to get all of their attention and make an announcement of some sort. I didn't have anything in particular to announce, I just wanted a bunch of strangers to know how I felt about something. As I stood there, attempting to come up with something that was announcement-worthy, here's what I arrived at and how I envisioned it sounding--"Hello everyone, if I could just get your attention for a minute I have a bit of an announcement to make! I just wanted you all to know that I am here with the most beautiful woman in the world and I can't believe she actually agreed to marry me!!" Hard to say what kind of reaction I might have gotten but it really wouldn't have mattered because I'm kind of at that age when, as I've stated, I don't give a damn.
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